Ambitions

[alexxkay]

I've been spending a lot of time in the last year or so considering who I am and who I want to be, professionally. Lots of my friends have been making big life changes recently, and when I consider this, it exacerbates an inner restlessness. siderea's recent long post brought some issues into sharper focus for me.

I've been working for the last few years under the assumption that I am, and should be, a Game Designer. It's what I get paid to do (not paid very much, but more than anything else currently obviously available to me). And I don't hate it, I enjoy most of a typical work-day.

But I'm not passionate about it. Siderea made the point that if you're in the 'right' career, then there isn't any real distinction between work and free time; that you do lots of industry research and career development because that's just what you enjoy doing, not out of any sense of obligation.

Yes, I play games a lot in my free time. But, and this is a crucial distinction, I don't play a *lot* of games. The highly successful game designers I've observed play *everything*. They don't often finish a game, but they'll spend at least a few hours with every major release and lots of minor ones as well. I don't find that enjoyable. I like to go deep, not broad, investigating whatever I'm playing down into its most intricate details.

I have one game design in my head that I am passionate about, but the company I work for currently will never make it, nor am I likely to make it myself. While I occasionally get obsessed with it for a few weeks at a time, I haven't got the drive -- nor the base skill-sets in business and programming -- to actually bring it to fruition.

I spent some free time, over the course of a few months, trying to build my programming skill. Embarassingly, it totally failed to take. What skill I once had has largely atrophied. I find trying to build new programming skill painfuly difficult and not-fun. On reflection, I never *did* like programming in the first place. I liked the *idea* of programming, but I didn't enjoy the actual process. (How the hell did I ever graduate with a CS degree at all, much less "with Honors"?) So I don't see any realistic route to making my game design happen unless I were to luck into someone equally passionate, but with a complementary skill set. (I know of one such real-world example, but the two people in that case are actually brothers.)

Meanwhile, I find myself in an ethical variant of the Money Trap. I am effectively responsible for tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt on kestrell's behalf. With Kes unable to pay these off herself, I have considered trying to default on these loans, declare personal bankruptcy, or something along those lines. But I value my personal honor so highly that I would feel dirty and depressed if I were to fail to meet this obligation. Moreover, with the economy in such bad shape, creating more bad debt seems socially irresponsible. Plus, I feel a need for decent health insurance, which is only practically available to me with a full-time job.

Given that, I don't feel able to make the sort of big life gamble that many of my friends have recently made, walking away from their jobs in order to pursue their dreams. Or at any rate, I feel unable to make such a move *now*. I am, slowly, crawling out of that debt, and it may be worth contemplating future possibilities. Small actions I take now, if on the proper trajectory, might have large pay-offs down the line.

So maybe I'm not, ideally, a game designer after all. So what *do* I feel passionate enough about to do on my own time. What other careers might I head for?

I really enjoyed my time as a QA tester, and my time working on the System Shock 2 Strategy Guide. Both of those were about playing deep, not broad, which is what I do on my own time. Sadly, these jobs both pay even fewer peanuts than my current gig, and come with zero job security to boot. But as the industry (slowly, in fits and starts) matures, this may change.

There are other things besides game-playing that I've poured huge amounts of time and effort into without being paid. Let's think about them for a bit:

I edited, memorized, and performed vast amounts of storytelling material, mostly english translations of Renaissance Italian epic poetry. Not a lot of market for that. Also, and perhaps more relevantly, I don't seem to be drawn to do this any more. A large part of my motivation, in hindsight, seems to have been displacement behavior; once I was in a stable relationship, I really didn't care about this any more.

I transcribed, edited, and self-published a number of period books. This actually produced some income, though not very much. I haven't done any of this in a while, but it's something I could see myself regaining enthusiasm for.

I directed a play. Lots of work, but also tons of fun, and I occasionally get the urge to do it again. Indirectly generated some income a decade later, when I edited together the DVD. I think I'm too much of a control freak to enjoy a theatrical career, though.

I did a massive sort, cull, and cataloging of the Carolingian Historical Archives, and did some work in getting it on-line. Again, no real market for it, and again, something I don't feel compelled to do any more.

There's the project I spent most of last weekend working on, the latest revision of The Dragaera Timeline. Steven Brust fandom is another niche market with little monetary opportuniy -- SB himself seems worse off financially than I am. Still, it has generated occasional trickles of cash via Paypal donations. There was once talk of me writing a GURPS Dragaera, but I let it atrophy. Hm. I suppose I could write a more general-interest book tie-in to the series at some point...

In a similar light, I maintained the Cerebus Timeline until that story was complete. I was doing it out of a sense of obligation by the end, though. A few Paypal donations, and a few small checks for semi-prozine contributions.

I did a bunch of work on various incomplete and unpublished literary monographs about Watchmen and Sandman. I could complete them and look for publishing opportunities. Jess Nevins has gotten several book deals out of this sort of thing.

The common thread I see here is one of editing / cross-referencing. (Giles' favorite hobby :-) I really enjoy taking masses of raw data and taming it, organizing it, and making it easier to use and/or more aesthetically pleasing. I'd say that I am obviously meant to be a librarian, only I have tons of librarian friends, many of whom are habitually un- (or under-) employed. But once I'm not in massive debt, it might be worth considering.

Or perhaps I could tackle things from another direction. Back before I entered the games industry, I had (more or less accidentally) transitioned from 'general clerical temp' to 'database administrator specialist'. I enjoyed that work, and it paid well. My specific skills in that arena are rusty, but I don't *think* it would be painful to revive them. On the other hand, doing that as a general office temp would not be very fulfilling. But if I could hook up with worthy projects that needed that expertise and could pay for it, that might satisfy my need to feel that I am leaving the world a better place than I found it.

Anyways that's more than enough blathering for post. I welcome commentary and discussion, since I'm not reaching any solid conclusions by just talking to myself...

Comments

[cheshyre]

Re: idea of programming v. programming itself, I discovered back in college that I'm not a coder, and when offered an opportunity to go into development, I demurred. There will always be new languages and new hotshot kids coming out of college trained in those languages. But because I can *think* like a programmer I've become fairly happy writing requirements, if that's something that interests you...

I'd say that I am obviously meant to be a librarian, only I have tons of librarian friends, many of whom are habitually un- (or under-) employed. But once I'm not in massive debt, it might be worth considering.

I've got the library degree, but haven't worked in a physical library since high school. And there are a great many ways that librarianship intersects with tech, that doesn't necessarily require the MLA -- many institutions are establishing digital archives products or, like I'm doing, working for a library vendor.

Not sure if you're actually, actively looking for a new job, but if you are, and if Ipswich is an option (the office is right on the commuter rail), flip thru the listings at http://careers.epnet.com/ and see if anything strikes your fancy.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

I think you have a logical hole in one paragraph -- perhaps you only skipped a step in the description, however.

You wrote:
"I really enjoy taking masses of raw data and taming it, organizing it, and making it easier to use and/or more aesthetically pleasing. I'd say that I am obviously meant to be a librarian, only I have tons of librarian friends, many of whom are habitually un- (or under-) employed. But once I'm not in massive debt, it might be worth considering."

In there is implied that there are no other decently-paying options. Is that true? And do you have well-paid librarian friends? How do the numbers compare to the "under-employed" ones?

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

"In there is implied that there are no other decently-paying options. Is that true?"

Probably not. Ilaine's post, below offered some other possibilities. Next time I'm seriously thinking about career change, I should investigate further.

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

*nods*

and of course
*hugs*

[dsrtao]

On reflection, I never *did* like programming in the first place. I liked the *idea* of programming, but I didn't enjoy the actual process.

Yeah, I know how that feels. I like programming small projects: tools that take less than a day or two to finish. Automating problems away. Program for other people? Bleh.

So I don't see any realistic route to making my game design happen unless I were to luck into someone equally passionate, but with a complementary skill set.

I don't much about current game design, but if it's really as few people as you say, that strikes me as exactly what a startup is about: a small group, highly passionate, with complementary skills.


database administrator specialist -- I think that what you're describing, I would call database designer, not admin, though they overlap a bit.

I would buy GURPS Dragaera, but I'm already in the intersection...

[negothick.livejournal.com]

thank you for this post and the link to siderea's. Yours provides an excellent reality check for the excesses of her inspirational article (one woman's muse is another woman's poison, I guess). Why do we never hear about the families and dependents of all those Gauguins following their dreams to Tahiti? Are they just discarded along with the dull career (not a rhetorical question--I know of too many real examples)?
By all means, don't quit your day job till something better is in the offing.

[lauradi7.livejournal.com]

Years ago there was a bluegrass song called "Don't give up your day job." I don't remember who the band was, just the album cover (which I suppose is part of an indication about how long ago it was).

GIYF

[metageek.livejournal.com]

Country Gazette

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

I know someone who works days in the game business as a QA tester because he likes the work, but makes his money at his night job, in a band. Similarly, kestrell knows a librarian in much the same situation; does library work mostly out of love, makes their money in a band.

[londo.livejournal.com]

What skills are required to make this game real?

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

Mostly, the ability to pump out reasonably sized chunks of working code, probably in an object-oriented language. If I'm talking collaboration, then 'the ability to work with me', and a belief that the game concept is inherently cool.

Eventually, some sort of marketing ability, but that's *way* down the line, after there exists something worth marketing.

[londo.livejournal.com]

If what you want to do is create a full game ready to ship, I am unlikely to be able to handle the graphical foo such a thing traditionally requires.

I feel like if what you want to do is prove a concept, I might be able to help here.

[dariusk.livejournal.com]

I can help, too: I'd love to hear a little bit about your game idea and its scope, and I can help you by either (1) making it happen as an indie or (2) giving you some advice on making it happen as a AAA.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

Want to get together some time and chat?

Marketing

[metageek.livejournal.com]

I hate to say it, but you'll probably need some marketing sooner than that, or you're likely to wind up with something unmarketable.

You could consider working with a programmer to make a mockup of the game, with lower production values—say, in a language like Python, which is good for prototyping. Then you could use that to pitch your game to a development company. If you can't interest anybody, you've still got something you could self-publish; it might not make much money, but it'd be good for your résumé.

[ilaine-dcmrn.livejournal.com]

Siderea made the point that if you're in the 'right' career, then there isn't any real distinction between work and free time; that you do lots of industry research and career development because that's just what you enjoy doing, not out of any sense of obligation.

I've been there now and again but I don't find it is such a great way to live. When you find yourself annoyed that family demands are pulling you away from work, you have a problem. There has to be balance.

There are other things besides game-playing that I've poured huge amounts of time and effort into without being paid. Let's think about them for a bit:

I edited, memorized, and performed vast amounts of storytelling material, mostly english translations of Renaissance Italian epic poetry. Not a lot of market for that.

For that specifically? No. On the other hand speaking well and with poise to an audience is a skill applicable to many careers.

The common thread I see here is one of editing / cross-referencing. (Giles' favorite hobby :-) I really enjoy taking masses of raw data and taming it, organizing it, and making it easier to use and/or more aesthetically pleasing.

I did really like programming, I did it for around ten years and I loved it. It isn't the coding that is so much fun, it is designing the system - figuring out how it needs to be broken down into which parts and getting the interfaces and information flow right. At that level a lot of things are like programming and I find project management for example seems to use the same parts of my brain - it feels like programming in a lot of ways.

It sounds like you zeroed in on your own key pretty well - making information accessible and useful. That doesn't mean librarian is the only choice. Try looking into knowledge management or data mining - they might fit well with your own mental processes. Finding a company large enough to need these skills which will satisfy your need to do something important (or at least not indifferently evil) since financial and actuary datasets are the obvious ones, but there is plenty of scope in science and engineering. In any case, hugs and good luck finding your path.

The Premise

[metageek.livejournal.com]

Siderea made the point that if you're in the 'right' career, then there isn't any real distinction between work and free time

Actually, it occurs to me that this may not be the case. I have such a career, and it works great for me; but it's not the only way to go. Some people find that they prefer a career which doesn't compete with their free time, in which they can make enough money to do what they want when they aren't working. It seems to me you've more or less got that.

The highly successful game designers I've observed play *everything*. They don't often finish a game, but they'll spend at least a few hours with every major release and lots of minor ones as well. I don't find that enjoyable. I like to go deep, not broad, investigating whatever I'm playing down into its most intricate details.

It seems to me that both of these are valuable aspects of a designer. Maybe you need to find someone broad to team up with: they would provide the broad range of game ideas to draw on, you would provide the depth to understand which of those ideas will actually work.

On reflection, I never *did* like programming in the first place.

Insert expression of befuddlement here.

(Then again, if everybody liked programming, it wouldn't pay me as well. :-)

I liked the *idea* of programming, but I didn't enjoy the actual process. (How the hell did I ever graduate with a CS degree at all, much less "with Honors"?)

Because CS isn't about programming, it's about the idea of programming.

Re: The Premise

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

Insert expression of befuddlement here.

I found it rather fuddlesome as well. I had always assumed I liked it, but that assumption didn't actually stand up to an analysis of how I felt when I tried to do it.

Because CS isn't about programming, it's about the idea of programming.

Yeah, that would be it. I'd never have made it out of a technical school with a certificate. I had some beautiful designs, but it was rare that I ever finished a program completely.

[freerange-snark.livejournal.com]

It's possible that this isn't really feasible advice for technical industries, but have you considered doing some freelancing/consultancy without giving up your day job? You can do a little bit of database work in your spare time to refresh your skills, build your resume, pull in some extra cash, and get a feel for whether you could do it as a career. Eventually, it might even result in a full-time job offer. A lot of people I know are finding that many companies are laying off full-timers right now and hiring freelancers to do their jobs to save on benefits and overtime, so it's probably easier than ever to get your first freelancing gig, which tends to lead easily to the next and the one after. And if it turns out you hate it, you just stop accepting jobs. You'd only lose some time, and would probably gain really valuable information.

[negothick.livejournal.com]

This seems like great advice.
Another possibility: have you thought of teaching an online course for one of the all-online universities? It's not something you would want to do as your only income (no benefits, for one thing), but fine for resume building, as freerange snark says, and you could see whether you'd want to do more of it.
According to Make Money Teaching Online, not having an advanced degree might not be a problem in hot areas like game design. DeVry University pops up in such a search.

[londo.livejournal.com]

Freelancing is totally feasible for me and I've been considering it. I can't imagine how it's feasible for game design, but database work... yeah, totally.

[jducoeur]

Hmm. I wonder -- you might want to talk to msmemory and see if she still has any useful contacts from the old Fact City crowd. That was her bubble company, and was very much focused on data-organization: they hired a whole bunch of people (including her) whose job was to Tame Data. That company is gone, but it's possible that networking in that direction might turn up some others that are looking for the same skill-set...