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Today is the one year anniversary of The ER Trip That Led to A Year In Hell. So the universe, to commemorate, has given Kestrell and I Covid.

Due to her medical situation, she can't have Paxlovid, but I picked up mine and have had the first dose. I see why everyone mentions That Taste.
alexxkay: (Default)
Reading transcripts of the allegations against Neil Gaiman, there was one thing that really hit me viscerally. Well, one *pattern*, in his case. It's a technique he (allegedly) uses on many women, which I independently discovered in my 20s. I call this technique Using Storytelling Powers For Evil.

Once upon a time, it occurred to me to wonder if I could focus my storytelling powers on one specific audience member, as a way of getting laid. Performing the experiment, this proved to 100% be doable. This remains my single memory that I am most guilty about. I did it that once, and never again. The sex was good, but not remotely worth the guilt.

Having done this myself, I understand the absolute rush of power, the insidious temptation to *use* that power. There but for the grace of god, go I, etc, etc. But this understanding does not create sympathy. It makes me *angry*.

I did it once, and Gaiman seems to have done it for almost forty years It wasn't some complex moral calculus for me; I came to realize I had Done Wrong pretty quickly. Gaiman seems to be at least as morally aware as I am. He has to have *known* he was doing Evil, and consciously decided to continue doing so. Argh.

This is in part a confessional. But I also feel this is a perspective that I don't think many of Gaiman's (former) fans share. Thanks for listening.
alexxkay: (Default)
I am resistant to most pain medication. This proved to be extremely problematic in the immediate aftermath of open-heart surgery last Spring. While it was necessary and life-saving, it was still major surgery, and my body was complaining a LOT. Without any working painkillers, I was getting quite sleep-deprived.

Making the best of a bad situation, I listened to audiobooks at night. Audiobooks of books that I already knew and loved, so that if I DID manage to sleep for a few hours, I wouldn't miss vital plot points.

Over the course of recovery, I tried a bunch of different painkillers, in the hope of finding one that worked at least a little. A housemate had acquired a bottle of marijuana gummis (the theoretically non-psychoactive kind) in an (unsuccessful) attempt to treat their own chronic pain, and offered them to me. I had never had marijuana (or any other "recreational" drug) before, but if there was ever a time for it, this was it. I tried one of the gummis, and it had no appreciable effect. My wife suggested that maybe I should try taking a dose of two of the gummis. I grumbled and declined, feeling that there when one didn't do anything at all, two was unlikely to help.

A few days later, in a fog of pain and sleep deprivation at bed time, I thought, "What the heck, let's try taking THREE gummis". I did, then got in bed and put in my headphones. By this point, I was working my way through the Vlad Taltos audiobook series, by Steven Brust.

Now, a bit of necessary background: There's a thing that Brust likes to do in these books. In almost every book there will be one or two sequences where Vlad is either casting a spell or in some other state of altered consciousness. During these sequences, Brust likes to play formal games with the prose, as a way of conveying that altered states of mind. While this started out as basically stream-of-consciousness, and still tend to look that way on a surface level, there is often some clever formalism hiding underneath that.

I was listening to a relatively new book (_Hawk_, IIRC), so it was one that I was a bit less familiar with. And shortly after I went to bed, it got to one of those spellcasting scenes. Now, audiobooks often turn out to have surprisingly different impacts than prose. (My favorite example of this is Neil Gaiman's _American Gods_, where a subtle clue on page 1 becomes a blatant spoiler when read aloud.) So I wasn't TOO surprised when I was listening to the spellcasting scene and went, "Huh. This is totally in the rhythm of 1950s Beat poetry. Weird choice for a fantasy novel, but I think it works."

A few minutes later, however, I realized that the spellcasting scene was over, and now we were in a normal dialogue scene – and it still sounded like Beat poetry. I remembered taking the triple-dose of marijuana gummis and started to get scared. I grew up with a very Cartesian philosophy, identifying my self strongly with my mind, and now my mind was behaving strangely, which was effectively an existential threat. On the other hand, there was the mitigating factor / additional symptom that it was also HILARIOUS!

I went downstairs and talked to some still-awake housemates and my wife for the next few hours. (My wife was VERY grumpy with me. "What happened to TWO?!") Intriguingly, I had no visual symptoms at all, it was only the language processing centers of my brain that were effected. The parts of my brain that perceived poetry, song, and humor had been dialed up WAY higher than normal. People mostly weren't (perceived as) talking to me, they were singing! Even when they attempted to speak as simply as possible, that just came through as blank verse. Also, almost everything was a joke!

I had trouble speaking myself. I normally speak with longish pauses, as I search for the proper phrasing for what I want to say. But my mind was now quicksilver, and would go off on such racing tangents thinking of different words, that I would lose track of the semantic content of what I was trying to say. Or just break up laughing.

Eventually, my wife felt I was safe enough that I could be sent to bed. About six hours later, the effects finally faded away. So that's the story of my first inadvertent drug trip.

Postscript: DID it work as a pain killer? I have no idea. It certainly distracted me from the pain for a while. But it wasn't an experience I was particularly eager to repeat. And anyways, my wife had taken the bottle of gummis away from me :-)
alexxkay: (Default)
Have been home for about 24 hours now. Full recovery is expected to take 2-4 months, after which I will theoretically be healthier than when I started. In the short term, though, life will largely consist of naps and pain.

You can read more about my hospital stay on [personal profile] kestrell's journal. But to summarize: hospitals are full of helpful, friendly people who honestly want to help you, but are trapped within late capitalist systems that value profit over pain.

That said, I am up for brief visits. Text me ahead of time, to make sure I'm awake.
alexxkay: (Default)
I have finally spoken to a cardiologist. The name for my symptoms is "angina". Which isn't a full diagnosis, but it's a start. Somewhere I have a clogged artery that needs fixing. In the short term I have some stronger drugs than I did. Next Friday I have a "coronary angiography", in which they insert a little exploratory thing into my arteries via my wrist. This is a low-risk procedure that should, at minimum, figure out *specifically* what's wrong. Depending on what they find, they might actually be able to fix it while they're in there, which would be awesome!
alexxkay: (Default)
I did NOT have a heart attack on Halloween night.

I did, however, have intense ongoing chest pain that made me FEEL as if I was having a heart attack. So, I spent the next ~30 hours in the emergency room. All the immediate tests say that my heart is fine. Sadly, they don’t say what is actually wrong with me. More tests will follow. In the meantime, I got them to send me home, since at that point they were doing me more damage than good. (Two nights running of approximately no sleep; being stabbed multiple times a day, often by people who were not very skilled at it; draining my blood; not giving me enough food or drugs; etc.)

The “Am I about to die?” level of symptoms have not recurred. On the downside, that is largely because I have been taking things VERY easy. Many activities which used to be regarded as trivial (e.g. climbing two flights of stairs) are currently likely to bring on chest pain and shortness of breath. I was able to walk to the local clinic to see my PCP, but it took a LOT out of me. For at least the short-term, my social life is canceled; I’m only leaving the house for necessities.

Just at the moment, I feel that visitors would be more of a drain on my resources than a benefit. If this goes on for a long time, stir crazy will no doubt set in, causing that calculation to change. I will gladly accept sympathy in the form of comments.
alexxkay: (Default)
Tl;dr Macy's has the worst customer service I have ever seen.

I have an OCD thing where I try to reduce junk mail sent to our house. Fairly often, we get mail to people who don't live here: sometimes people who moved away long ago, sometimes just mystery errors. I write the companies involved and try to get these names removed from mailing lists.

Finding a "Contact" form or email address can be surprisingly tricky. Phone numbers are often easier to find, but I really dislike talking on the phone, especially to strangers, so I basically never do that.

For the last year, we have been getting mis-addressed catalogs from Macy's,  and I have been (intermittently) trying to get them to stop. Their email support is atrocious. They often misunderstand what I wrote. They give inconsistent instructions when they do understand. They demand that I telephone them before they are willing to do a simple address removal. (How do they handle complaints from mute people?)

After over a dozen emails (and time spent on on-line chat), I still haven't been able to get our house removed from their mailing list.

As I said, this is something I do quite often, so I have a wide base of experience. It is rare for this process to take more than two emails. The only other time I have failed to get a name removed was when the sender was a borderline illegal financial scam that had NO contact info other than the sales line.

This has been a sufficiently unpleasant experience that I feel it is worthwhile to give Macy's some negative word of mouth.
alexxkay: (Default)
I’ve had a really interesting half year. I can put together a coherent narrative now, though it was confusing and distressing going through it.

Late last summer, I started experimenting with a thing that Kestrell does all the time: listening to an audiobook while going to sleep. (Only listening to books I knew well already, so that I didn’t get confused when they suddenly seem to skip ahead several chapters…) This was designed to accomplish two goals. First, to avoid the behavior where “I’m bored; I’m gonna get up and do something.” Secondly, to avoid what my therapist refers to as “rumination”, lying in bed worrying about things that you can’t do anything about.

At first, this went great. I adjusted to it quickly, and it accomplished both goals extremely well. And it had some mildly interesting neurological side effects. Sometimes the book would bleed over into my dreams. Sometimes I would wake up, but my ability to parse spoken language was still turned off, so it was several seconds until I was able to actually hear the still-playing audiobook. The phone app that (crudely) monitors my sleep patterns show that there were definite differences, but everything seemed to be going swimmingly.

Around November, I started entering a significant depressive episode. During therapy, I realized that I seem to be missing a sense of validation. My initial reaction was, “Maybe I should just ask for some?” I went on to the Alan Moore Scholars group and told them that I was depressed and could use some encouragement. There was a significant outpouring of appreciation for my work, which was great on one level. But… I didn’t actually feel any better afterwards.

Christmas was rough, really rough. I am subject to chronic (and hereditary) seasonal depression, but it was much worse this year. I was just seized with self-loathing through the whole holiday season. This despite several events which even in my depressed state I could tell were on objective proofs of my having value. I just couldn’t FEEL that.

In early January, I had a therapy session with several breakthrough events. Firstly, I identified that “The part of my brain that is able to accept validation is just BROKEN.” Possible breakthrough number two was moving on from that to “Maybe I should give antidepressants another try?” (I am, but it’s still early days to be saying whether or not that is helping.) Most significantly, however, I gave some thought as to how or why this should be happening and suddenly noticed a possible correlation with the whole audiobook/sleep thing. Could this new brain malfunction actually be a side effect of messing with my sleep process over a period of months?

So I stopped listening to audiobooks while sleeping, and within DAYS my ability to receive validation came back! I’ve been feeling MUCH better about myself, and about life in general. This has led to a certain amount of overwork, and hence aggravation of my chronic pain. But I feel good enough emotionally that I am totally willing to take that hit physically.

So, that’s the state of the Alexx. Shared both because many of you care about my state, and because brains are complex and interesting.

Raccoons!

Jul. 26th, 2018 08:10 pm
alexxkay: (Default)
It was only dusk, not yet full dark, so when I heard more odd noises outside the kitchen window, I peeked out. Raccoons! At least five of them! Presumably, this is the same family I overheard about a week ago. They weren't as talkative this time, but what vocalizations they did make sounded the same. They didn't *smell* the same, but it may be that one of them had recently had an argument with a skunk upon the previous occasion.
alexxkay: (Default)
I went down for a meal around midnight (as I often do), and found... visitors outside the kitchen window in the darkness. Quite noisy visitors, both in terms of rustling around through the foliage, and in terms of vocalizing. At least, I presume they were plural, as most single critters out at night aren’t so vocal. There were several different varieties of sounds, none of them quite familiar: chittering, cooing, and, once, a sort of bark/scream. I tried to record them, but didn’t get anything very audible. There was also a very strong musky smell. It didn’t smell like angry skunk, but a skunk family is certainly one of the possibilities. Others that have at times been evidenced in this neighborhood are raccoons and opossum.

(goes to youtube for animal noise videos…) Probably skunk, maybe raccoon, definitely NOT opossum.
alexxkay: (Default)
The inimitable John M. Ford once said: “Every book is three books, after all; the one the writer intended, the one the reader expected, and the one that casts its shadow when the first two meet by moonlight.” Of course, the number is far larger than three, for EVERY individual reader has their own expectations and casts their own shadow across the work. Also of course, this is just as true of movies as it is of books.

Today, Kestrell and I each saw a movie that no one else will ever see.

Mindhorn is a fun, silly movie. It opens with a prologue in the 1980s, where actor Richard Thorncroft is starring in the hit TV series “Mindhorn”, playing a police man with a bionic eye that also functions as a lie detector. When the story jumps to the present day, however, we find that Richard hasn’t landed a decent role since. He is therefore thrilled to find that some actual police need his help in a way which he hopes will generate publicity. They have a lead in a murder case – but the suspect refuses to speak with anyone except Detective Mindhorn. Along the way, Richard reunites with several friends (and enemies) who he hasn’t seen in a quarter century. Needless to say, wackiness ensues, and before long Detective Mindhorn is actively investigating the case.

The script is decent, if rarely actually surprising. The actors are engaging and funny. I can recommend it as an amusing bit of fluff on those grounds.

But the movie which Kestrell and I saw was side-splittingly HILARIOUS for reasons which we did not anticipate. You see, it turns out that this suspect who will only speak to Detective Mindhorn demands to be referred to as “The Kestrel”. Which is often followed up by an utterance of “Ca-KAW!” It is quite common for us to take longer than the stated running time to watch a film because I frequently pause it to describe a detailed piece of visuals. It is less common that I have to pause to wait for one or both of us to stop helplessly giggling. Today, there was A LOT of pausing.

ETA: Kestrell's take.

Levines

Oct. 9th, 2017 10:45 pm
alexxkay: (Default)
I am reading the autobiography of Yakima Canutt, a stuntman and violence designer from the Golden Age of Hollywood. He spends a little time talking about a producer he worked with, one Nat Levine.
Nat Levine was not only a sharp operator, he knew how to handle people. He could get more work out of a crew than anyone I have ever known. Sometimes he would come out with the kind of impossible order that would ordinarily send people into tantrums. However, with Nat's crews and actors, it would have the opposite effect. They would laugh it off and Nat would laugh with them. He was a shrewd businessman who had a keen appreciation for what people were going through.
I have to wonder if this Nat was an ancestor of the Ken Levine I worked with. Eventually, Ken could no longer get insane amounts of work out of *me*, but his general skills in that department were impressive. If only he’d used those powers for good…
alexxkay: (Default)
Was done yesterday, at Good Faith Tattoo. The artist, Victor Kesinger, also turns out to have done the mermaid picture I liked so much.

Tattoo pics behind the cut
Read more... )



alexxkay: (Default)
‘Tis the season for young bats to get lost. And find their way into my room. It’s actually over a year since the last time this happened – that was early July. Suppose I’ll see about a rabies booster. Sigh…

On the plus side, I’m getting more skilled at getting rid of them using the Shorts of Bat Entanglement. Although I did think for a while that I had activated the Portal function again, as the bat appeared to have completely vanished in the attic stairwell. However, just as I was coming back upstairs from reopening all the inside doors, I spotted the little bugger resting on the floor in a dim nook behind a couple of Kestrell’s books. With patience, care, and ruthless ignoring of the offended shrieking noises, I managed to fully entangle the bat in the shorts. It was then a relatively straightforward manner to bring it out to the backyard and release it. After a moment to recover, it flew off into the jungle, and I returned to a (hopefully) bat-free house.

In the silver lining department, everyone else seems to have slept through this.

Oh wait -- it just occurred to me. I can blame April for this! Her birthday gift of a (metal) bat to Kestrell yesterday clearly summoned this live bat through sympathetic magic! :-)

Raccoons!

Jul. 28th, 2017 01:23 am
alexxkay: (Default)
 On my way back from Poke-hunting tonight, at half past midnight, I saw a pack of four or so critters crossing the street about a block ahead of me. Two more stragglers crossed a minute later, by which time I had gotten close enough to positively ID them as raccoons. As much as I love squirrels, it's nice to occasionally spot something bigger in the wild.
alexxkay: (Default)
The strawberries are in bloom, which means it must be weeding season. Progress is happening at a goodly rate. Nonetheless, the project is eternal. Estimating from both my progress and observed growth rates, I should have the spider wort vanquished by approximately 2020. And by “vanquished”, what I actually mean is “cut back to the point where I can keep it away from the strawberries with ONLY constant vigilance”. Slow and steady wins the fruit.
alexxkay: (Default)
Kestrell is, at long last, starting to write up some of her vast accumulated knowledge (and opinion) about Umberto Eco's wonderful _The Name of the Rose_. Recommended to all bibliophiles. http://kestrell.dreamwidth.org/263842.html

(And there's a Patreon attached, so consider that, if you want to encourage more such writing.)
alexxkay: (Default)
I spent most of December with a cold, and thus got very little work accomplished. I did watch a large amount of Western movies, leading to significant additional annotations for Cinema Purgatorio number seven (see earlier comments about Art never being finished, only abandoned).

January, thankfully, has been significantly more productive. Notable accomplishments since last time:
• Annotated chapters two through five of Voice of the Fire.
• Helped annotate issue 11 of Providence.

Plus a lot of miscellaneous bits here and there. Still lots more to do, and a new issue of Cinema Purgatorio is due out tomorrow. Thanks for your support!
alexxkay: (Default)
Earlier this evening, I did some public storytelling for the first time in roughly a decade. I was kinda nervous. I was going with my favorite material (Astolfo and Giocondo), which is generally a crowdpleaser – but which is 30 minutes long. A flop at that length is a really big flop.

I am happy to report that I’ve still got what it takes, and I knocked ‘em dead :)

Seems like a fun group of people, and they’ve liked my material so far. I’m definitely going to try and make it to next month’s event also. April, thanks again for letting me know about this. And Doria, thanks even more for making it happen!

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Alexx Kay

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