Owls are Made of Knives

[alexxkay]

I could have sworn I re-posted this at the time, but apparently not, I just emailed Kestrell a copy. So here, for general enjoyment, is the Seanan McGuire Twitter adventure we call "Owls are Made of Knives".


There is an owl in the trees outside my window, hooting like it has been personally dispatched to bring as the Good Word of Athena.
11:49 AM - 16 Feb 2016

The cats are going MOTHERFUCKING GONZO BALLISTIC with excitement. Ever see a 28-lb cat hit the window? SHIT SHAKES.
11:49 AM - 16 Feb 2016

Alice and Thomas just jumped for the window at the same time and collided in midair. This is some Cartoon Network bullshit.
11:52 AM - 16 Feb 2016

The owl is still going.
11:52 AM - 16 Feb 2016

Is this owl here to deliver my Hogwarts letter?
11:53 AM - 16 Feb 2016
82% Yes
18% No
391 votes . Final results

Alice is now snubbing the owl. She is LOUDLY SLEEPING, while Thomas howls in fury at the uncaring window.
11:56 AM - 16 Feb 2016

This is how feline supervillains are made. With an owl, and a window that won't conveniently open.
11:56 AM - 16 Feb 2016

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OWL JUST HIT THE WINDOW
12:28 PM - 16 Feb 2016

WHY OWL WHY NO THOMAS NO DON'T HIT THE WINDOW BACK WHAT THE FUCK
12:29 PM - 16 Feb 2016

NATURE STOP
12:29 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl was brown, shaggy, not a barn owl, larger than I like an owl to be when near me, and totally fine.
12:53 PM - 16 Feb 2016

I do not have pictures of Owl, because Owl is JUST FINE, THANKS, and attempted to chase me out of the yard when I went outside.
1:10 PM - 16 Feb 2016

When I say "attempted," read "succeeded in doing so."
1:10 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Nothing says "aren't you lucky to live with me?" like an unexpected dead owl on top of the frozen peas.
1:11 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl was not dead. Owl is JUST FINE. Owl made an UNGODLY NOISE, mantled its wings, and ran at me. OWLS CAN RUN.
1:11 PM - 16 Feb 2016

OWLS CAN RUN LIKE HOLY FUCK NOBODY'S FUCKING BUSINESS GO OWL GO PLEASE GO PLEASE GO AWAY.
1:12 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl is still in the bushes outside my bedroom window, hooting occasionally. Smug fucker.
1:14 PM - 16 Feb 2016

If Owl does not recover and fly away in an hour or so, I'm going to call Wildlife Rescue.
1:14 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl owns my yard now.
1:14 PM - 16 Feb 2016

If I call Wildlife Rescue, I bet THEY'LL let me take a picture without trying to TAKE MY FACE.
1:15 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Pro tip: if you try to do this, an owl may eat your face. A large, angry, aggressive, dazed, teenage owl with talons like knives.
1:18 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Multiple people have now asked for pictures. Y'all, I have no pictures because Owl is BIG, ANGRY, FAST, and POINTY.
1:23 PM - 16 Feb 2016

I enjoy taking pictures of things that are not ACTIVELY TRYING TO MURDER THE SHIT OUT OF ME AND TAKE MY FACE.
1:24 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl is NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS. Owl is blaming me for all of its woes. OWL IS MADE OF KNIVES.
1:24 PM - 16 Feb 2016

NO I AM NOT STAGING A POKEMON BATTLE BETWEEN THOMAS AND THE OWL HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS
NO.
1:29 PM - 16 Feb 2016

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH NO
1:36 PM - 16 Feb 2016

OWL NO DO NOT ATTACK THE WINDOW NO
1:36 PM - 16 Feb 2016

I now know what the scream of a frustrated Great Horned Owl sounds like from five feet away. In other news, Alice can levitate.
1:37 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl is screaming again, but not attacking the window. It is a different scream this time. I am going to investigate.
1:41 PM - 16 Feb 2016

If I am not back in five minutes, I have just had the best horror movie death I could reasonably expect in this reality.
1:41 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Update: Owl has killed the ever-loving shit out of a mockingbird.
This is the best day of my life.
TAKE THAT, YOU NOISY BASTARDS.
1:45 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Owl is still refusing to come into a position where I can take his picture through my window, but feathers occasionally drift by.
1:51 PM - 16 Feb 2016

There are three more mockingbirds living in those trees, Owl. PLEASE EAT THEM ALL I DO NOT WANT THEM.
1:51 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Hoo hoo, says Owl.
Hoo HOO hoo, says Owl.
FUCK THIS SHIT, I'M HIDING UNDER MOMMY, says my cat.
2:02 PM - 16 Feb 2016

The hooting has stopped. I am going outside again.
2:06 PM - 16 Feb 2016

OWL IS GONE REPEAT OWL IS GONE OWL HAS FLOWN THE FUCK BACK TO WHATEVER UNSPEAKABLE HELL IT WAS SPAWNED FROM
2:10 PM - 16 Feb 2016

GOODBYE OWL
HA HA HA HA YOU DIDN'T GET MY FACE
GOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYE OWL
2:11 PM - 16 Feb 2016

Comments

[ilaine]

This is awesome, and my kid agrees :-)

[cvirtue]

I am fairly sure I have seen this before, and quite sure it was your fault.